Only now, as the rain is carefully escorted down upon the pedals of flowers and verdant varietals of fauna leaves, can I live in this moment. The rainfall’s medley, playfully dense mist, the bite in the air giving rise chill bumps, and every droplet begging for attention before the splash; a taste to savor this once. Worship can be found in the act of being attentive. God is present, being vulnerable with us by making himself so available and accessible. He indwells and enlivens all living things, divinity imprinted within humanity and creation.
I’ve been grasping for these moments. I wanted to hold them within my intellect, patternize encounters and extract truths to help me complete an image of God. Curating an image of God carefully structured for ustification of my ideals and beliefs. In search of knowing him, I replaced what author, Richard Rohr, calls the “creative tension” of the ambiguity and mystery of His Mysticism with seeing a complete image and clarified explanations. He wants to be explored and discovered, not assessed and delineated as a puzzle to piece together through life experience. In frustration, I couldn’t place conversations, a mountainscape, or overwhelming emotions into a scope to clarify into a beautifully constructed definition of the Divine. I’m understanding that life experience isn’t a commodity to extract from, but to revel in His presence. It reminds me of this Indian proverb I heard recently, “You can’t push the river into the ocean.” Truth will come when it comes. I’m not missing out or becoming less. God isn’t withholding enlightenment or discovery because of my inadequacy to “ cultivate sensitivity to those voices that evangelize you to a better version of yourself” (Rob Bell) or find a hidden attribute of God through immersion within new culture or setting. A receptive stance, not my ability to cognitively define a Lover, whom transcends human language, is what will brings me into perfect union.
“The contemplative’s inner stance is not one of being swept downriver along with everything else. The contemplative’s repose is not a passive state but an engaged, silent receptivity, ‘an every moving repose’, as St. Maximus the Confessor calls it. Like a riverbed, which is constantly receiving and letting go in the very same moment. Vigilant receptivity and nonclinging release are one and the same for this riverbed awareness as it constantly receives all coming from upstream while at the very same moment releasing all downstream.” -Martin Laird
Taken from a dialogue of Pete Rollins, “I want a God who erupts my ideas of right and wrong, cultural views, and perception of life”. It’s not a transformation I can rush though. I need to shake the tendency to rationalize God within my values or as an idealized image of myself. I want to live moment to moment without expectation, hope, or outcomes. I want to taste God for who he is in the present, who I know him to be now. I believe intensity of pursuit lies within my power and responsibility, revelation and experience by His grace, and life-giving when birthed in awe and wonder.
“The vitality that can stand the abyss of meaningless is aware of a hidden meaning within the destruction of meaning.” – Paul Tilich
May I savor the sweetness of divinity within this rainfall. Droplet by droplet.